Trainees

September has tremendous potential comic value in any investment bank because this is the month when we have the pleasure of welcoming into our bosom, like lambs to the slaughter, a bunch of ambitious, hopelessly naïve, graduate trainees.

Every year we await their arrival with eager anticipation. There are two main archetypes – the terrified, deferential buffoon and the preposterous, arrogant idiot. The latter, thinking this is the best method to gain the respect of the “bear pit”, is my favourite.

Little does this schmuck know that his attitude will simply condemn him to a series of tried and tested wind-ups which should result in a major personality rethink or, more hopefully, his immediate departure. We might begin by anonymously putting him on the subscription list for a hardcore porn magazine using the office as his favoured address of receipt. If this fails to calm him down, we may use his computer to type into the in-house message system (accessible and visible to the whole bank) the domain name of a slightly “dubious” website.

Bring on the Human Sacrifice by the City Boy. Check out the rest of his column too. Awesome.

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